where is everything i missed
when i was running my hands through the mud,
wearing a thinly veiled dress,
wherein my insides were exposed to the clouds above.
working my fingers in the earth unveiled
worms and warts and worries,
warping my own sense of self and
warning me of dangers ahead.
i thought to myself that one day i would grow wings.
i wanted to wade in the cool crisp currents cultivated by the clouds.
i needed to feel weightless.
soon thereafter a force commanded me to my feet and told me to hover.
my eyeless gaze fixated on the sun. the wind bellowed around hands numb at my sides. the soles of my shoes barely kissing the hardwood below.
why should i be granted flight.
what had i done to deserve a gift.
a voice bellowed a response from the heavens in a tongue i will never know.
an unexplainable pain abrupted deep within me but i could not move from my position in the air.
it was clawing its way out.
devouring my insides.
snarling and growling.
a blood curdling wail escaped my slacked jaw.
it had had enough.
and the creature divided in two, forcing itself out of my shoulders.
i choked on my words.
i hesitated in my actions.
i had nothing to say.
i had nothing to do.
thinking. longing. loving. tasting.
all silenced.
all taken.
all denied.
no.
No.
NO.
never again.
a wonder is coursing through me.
spreading its branches into every corner it can,
growing where i have planted it.
the leaves are slow to appear,
and the buds are seen with a squint in your eye.
a forest is not grown overnight.
in time everyone will see
that which only i am aware,
but i have already bloomed.
how does time whip around us so quickly.
my feet pound against the ground and i gasp for air and i reach out my fingertips until i nearly unravel yet my efforts are in vain.
it weaves between each finger through my fists and escapes into the blank sky with a howl.
i will run until my threads untangle and gleefully join time in its song and dance and my lungs will collapse and my sweat burns through my skin and my tears evaporate into the void.
it occurs to me i will never win.
If I am to be damned, I best do it through a grueling transformation.
The first sign was the gnashing. My teeth came together with a heavy force, repeatedly. Icicles shot through my bones. The flesh of my mouth tore open while my canines grew. Bloodied flesh was welcomed.
It was minutes before I understood the growling in my throat belonged to me. It rumbled lightly, my voice beginning to untether. When the thread ran out, my gut-wrenching screams echoed back to me.
The wall smashed my fists. My palms bled from my dagger nails leaving their mark. A carpet of hair overtook my body. The scars on my chest was the only place bare.
The sun overtook my eyes. Their yellow glowed bright around the iris that became a sliver of black. The fire consumed me, and I made sure to make it known.
Something bestowed upon my head a crown of thorns. Their sharp thorns added to the blood waterfalling down my head. The seven horns tearing through my skin first started the pooling. Singing could be heard from above.
I am a self made abomination.
I am my own end, and my end is my own.
I will not let another take me.